Fake news: Roethlisberger Cleared on Charges Due to being Too Fat

MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. - Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will not be prosecuted on sexual assault allegations. This news comes after the Baldwin County district attorney today said that Mr. Roethlisberger was entirely too fat to have committed the sexual crimes of which he was accused.

"Seriously, have you seen this guy lately?" Ocmulgee Judicial Court District Attorney Fredric D. Bright opined on Monday, "He has to be pushing 3 bills easily, you think he's fitting into a bathroom stall that's 5 feet wide by 7 or so feet high that already has someone else in it?". Bright later claimed that Roethlisberger followed the woman into the woman's restroom due to her strawberry scented body-wash, "He thought there were pancakes in the woman's restroom." "In addition to being gigantic he's not all that bright either; perhaps due to the multiple concussions, or merely being from the state of Ohio. That has yet to be determined." When he got to the bathroom and found no pancakes Roethlisberger then attempted to, in the words of DA Bright, "remove his large ass from out of the bathroom stall, but it being of such small dimensions he had some problems with that". When asked about the bruising on the woman's body Bright said "It's what we call in legalese an 'unintentional, non-lethal Fatty Arkbuckle'".

Mr Bright went on to explain, "The doctor found no evidence of semen or discharge. The swabbings from the rape-evidence kit were tested by the Georgia Bureau of Investigation crime lab in Atlanta, Georgia, and the initial testing found what was thought to be human male DNA present. It turned out to be a very small dab of ranch dressing, probably from Mr. Roethlisberger's beard".

When reached for comment Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said "While we are not happy with the circumstances, we are indeed relieved that Ben has been cleared of the charges. We look forward to getting Ben into camp, mostly because we plan on switching him to left tackle. After years of not having the talent on the offensive line to protect the quarterback, we feel that Ben will provide the necessary blocking for whoever it is that's going to take his place. It will be a fierce battle between Antoine Randle El and the guy who pretended to be Ben a few years ago so he could get laid."