Freedonia Goes Nuclear

The world’s superpowers were shocked today to find out that the tiny impoverished nation of Freedonia has become a nuclear power. It was especially shocking since the leader of Freedonia, Mr. Rufus T Firefly, is mostly known as a “simpleton” and “moron” among those who love him the most. So you can imagine what other nations’ leaders think of him. Here is a transcript of the press conference in which Firefly announced his country’s nuclear capabilities.

Firefly photographed here contemplating what to have for lunch

Firefly: (steps to podium, surrounded by flunkies) Ladies and gentlemen of the international press, I’ve called you here today to let it be known that Freedonia has successfully tested a nuclear weapon. Its SAT scores were nothing to write home about, but it left the test building and surrounding area in ruins, which we figure is the most important part. Freedonia is now a nuclear power. And now too, and also now, we’ll just say we are from now until we accidentally blow someone up who has more weapons than we do. If you have any questions hesitate as long as you possibly can to ask, I have lots of time to kill. Also here to help me answer questions is my Secretary of War Chicolini

Chicolini:(leans into microphone) Hey, how you do? Like he say we take-a any questions you may have.

Reporter 1: Is this a response to your neighboring country Sylvania and its ongoing nuclear testing?

Firefly: Why sir I take umbrage to that remark!

Chicolini: (leans into microphone) Not me, I went under a tunnel

Firefly: …….anyway, I assure you that “Operation ‘This’ll Show Sylvania’” had nothing to do with our neighbors to the east. Next question


Reporter 2: Did you get any outside help from other countries with acquiring this technology?

Firefly: We did seek outside assistance, but since our currency currently consists of dried corn and ceramic bells we didn’t have many takers. We even went to the Iranian leader, uh….. what’s his title again?

Reporter 2: Ayatollah

Chicolini: (leans into microphone) No no, you-a neva tol’ us

Firefly: Next question

Reporter 3: What does this mean for the future of your country?

Firefly: What a thoughtful and insightful question that is, and I don’t have a good answer for it. Arrest that man for making me look bad. (Reporter 3 gets carried away by guards) That’s better. Now to answer the question; what this means is that we no longer will be the 98 lbs weakling getting sand kicked in our face at the beach. We’re now the 98 lbs weakling with enough explosive power to turn the sand to glass before it even hits our face. Although now that I think about it maybe that would hurt more. Anymore questions?

Reporter Harpo: *Honk* *honk*

Firefly: Yes, that is true. But why it was covered in honey I have no idea. Okay, last question.

Reporter 4: If your country is in such poor financial shape how were you able to afford the costs of building a nuclear weapon?

Firefly: We relied heavily on contributions from our resident wealthy dowager, Mrs. Teasdale, to keep our project afloat. Ah what a beauty; so big, so explosive, leaving behind nothing but destruction and chaos. And the bomb she helped us build is a sight to behold too.

Firefly: That’s all the questions we have time for today. If you see a large flash emanating from this direction be sure to hide under the nearest desk. It won't protect you, but we figure maybe the desk crushing you will be a preferable way to die. Sleep well.

Ed's note: I think this would have been funnier actually played out by these characters than just reading it off a website. But the last important Marx Brother died more than 30 years ago, and their graves are closely guarded, so I didn't really have much of a choice.

Local Miser Taken to Insane Asylum

Fake News: 1843

Local business owner Ebenezer Scrooge was taken to an eastern London insane asylum on the day after Christmas. This unexpected incarceration was coordinated by Scrooge’s family, workers, and various townspeople. They were noticing extreme changes in behavior and bizarre ranting by the town’s wealthiest moneylender. “We’re not sure what caused it exactly,” said Scrooge’s nephew Fred, “but I’d become used to him being a greedy, miserable bloke who hated me my whole life. Then out of the blue he shows up at my house on Christmas day wearing nothing but pajamas, exclaiming that he loved me because ghosts told him he should, and just generally acting like he was high on ecstasy.” When pressed on what exactly “ecstasy” was Fred responded “It’s a mixture of opium and horse manure; truly the 19th century’s greatest invention”

“Yeah, he threw open his window and started frantically asking me what day it was,” said a local nameless street urchin “before I answered I took a look around at all of the Christmas decorations that were up everywhere, the annual present opening going on in the town square, and the giant banner that was being hung across the street that said [Merry Christmas..... that’s today by the way] in giant letters. And all I could muster in response was ‘Uh, today? Why it’s Christmas day. What’re you stupid?’ I don’t think he caught the last part. Then he just started throwing money at me and ordering me to take food to people I’d never heard of. F’in nutjob man”

One of the main people responsible for Scrooge’s incarceration was Bob Cratchit, a clerk at Scrooge’s money-lending office. “I don’t really know where to begin. First he tells me that a ghost told him that my son Tim would die from his 'disease' if he (Scrooge) didn’t become a nicer guy. My son has a sprained ankle, he’ll be walking normally in 2 or 3 weeks, I’ve told Scrooge that many times. And I'm no doctor, but a stranger being nice to him probably wouldn't have cured his terminal disease anyway. Then he tells me that he’s giving me a raise and starts talking about making me a partner in his firm. While I wasn’t going to fight him about it I’ve been working there for about 5 weeks. My last job was as an assistant chimney sweep, I’m not exactly someone you want to be making important decisions or give a lot of power to. Then the craziest thing of all: he brought us a turkey. A turkey on Christmas! Who eats turkey on Christmas instead of ham or goose?! Turkey’s for Thanksgiving dammit! That’s completely insane and worthy of being committed to an asylum in my mind.”

Scrooge was taken to The Ravenscroft Mental Institution, where he will remain until he shows a vast improvement in his mental faculties. Officials at the institute are not confident of that however as Scrooge at various times claims that he thinks he’s a duck, a woman, or that he’s surrounded by little weird talking animals that’re wearing clothes.

'Start Winning or We'll Drop You' EA Tells a Laughing Tiger Woods

Fake News: Sports

A meeting was held at Electronic Arts headquarters on Monday, and an ultimatum was laid down to golfer Tiger Woods by EA CEO John Riccitiello. “We have a business relationship with you, it's based on you being the best golfer in the world. So we’ve come to the decision that if you don’t start winning again we’ll drop you as the poster-boy for our golfing video games”.


Mr. Woods was able to stifle his laughter for a good 5 seconds before bursting out in a guffaw heard down the spacious hallway leading to the CEO’s office.


“No, we’re serious” continued Mr. Riccitiello, “there are plenty of options for us if we don’t have you. We already have the posters made up for Lee Westwood 2012, he’s huge over in Belgium. Or wherever the hell he’s from.”


At this point Mr. Woods was out of his chair convulsing on the floor. “Stop it!” an increasingly annoyed CEO exclaimed “We have other options too; Phil Mickelson is just as good a choice. Of course, we’d have to borrow the breast templates from the DOA Volleyball girls to get his avatar right, but it’s doable. And let’s not forget, um.... Arnold Palmer? He’s still alive right?”


By this time Mr. Woods was practically begging for him to stop so he could breathe again. “Oh man,” Tiger said while trying to regain his composure, “this is funnier than the time Jordan bet me $100,000 I couldn’t beat up a homeless guy with my putter and get away with it”.

Fake News: Pittsburgh Man Aware That Film Was Shot in Pittsburgh

Trevor Ryan of Tarentum had a surprise for many of his customers during his shift at the local Sunoco station. He revealed to all who would listen, and some who wouldn’t, that the latest Russell Crowe movie “The Next Three Days” was filmed in Pittsburgh.

“Yeah, I like to let people know what films were made around here.” explained Mr. Ryan, “I also like to tell them which famous people are from around here, and which of our landmarks can be seen from space. It turns out none of them can be seen from there, but speaking of space did you know the guy who played Alan Shepard in ‘The Right Stuff’ was from Pittsburgh? By the way, do you want a receipt for that power-bar?”

Mr. Ryan’s comments did not go unnoticed by his grateful customers. “I had just come in for some bread and a Bingo lottery scratch-off ticket.” Said Jim Locke of New Kensington, “But the cashier, after explaining that the game of bingo originated in Pittsburgh, brought up the fact that ‘The Next Three Days’ was filmed not 10 miles or so from here. Apparently one day a grip came in on the way to the set to pick up a Coke. The cashier showed me the autographed photo he took with him; he’s smiling a huge smile while the grip just kind of looks confused.”

When asked if it meant anything that he now knew about the movie being filmed in Pittsburgh Mr. Locke replied, “I’m truly a better person today for knowing all of that information about that movie being made in my fair city. Hopefully it’ll become a long remembered classic like other movies filmed here. Like ‘Sudden Death’, ‘She’s Out of My League’ and ‘Roommates’.”