I’m honestly sick of all the NSA talk. Politicians can’t do anything without someone saying “Oh yeah, well what about the NSA spying?” It’s a bunch of people who think they’re more important than they are, complaining about the government having the same information most people give up completely willingly to corporations on a daily basis. It got me to thinking, what’s the difference? Then it hit me, companies that collect personal information have terms of service agreements (or privacy agreements) that people are supposed to read and agree to. Most people have no idea what they’re agreeing to, but they at least pretend to agree with it and that makes it okay to collect data. What
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Privacy Policy for the United States of America
This Privacy Policy governs the manner in which The United
States of America collects, uses, maintains and discloses information collected
from citizens of the United
States of America . This privacy policy
applies to the country at large and all products and services offered by The
United States of America.
Personal
identification information
We may collect personal identification information from citizens
in a variety of ways, including, but not limited to, when citizens visit a web-site,
register to vote, use a credit card, use a phone, go outside where our
satellites can see them, respond to any survey, fill out any form, and really
pretty much anything you can think of unless you live in a cabin the middle of
the woods. We will collect personal identification information from citizens
only if they voluntarily agree to the user agreement (ie are born in the United States ).
Users can always refuse to supply personal identification information, which
should give the NSA worker gathering it a nice laugh
Non-personal
identification information
We may collect non-personal identification information about
citizens whenever they interact with anyone suspicious. Citizens may have email
addresses, mailing addresses, phone numbers, credit card information, and social
security number collected. And by “may have” for we mean “Will have it
collected, so deal with it”.
Cookies
Our country may use "cookies" to enhance a citizen’s
experience. For every bit of information we are able to collect from a citizen voluntarily
we will provide one cookie. Choices are limited to chocolate chip and oatmeal
raisin (No Substitutions).
How we use collected
information
The United
States of America may collect and use citizen’s
personal information for the following purposes:
- To improve counter terrorism
We need to
know if someone is calling for pizza, or their local Al Qaeda #2. In some locations
these are the same people.
- To personalize experience
Wouldn’t
you love to get a brand new American flag on your birthday? Or perhaps a pair
of underpants with pictures of $100 bills on them? Once we know your
preferences we’ll be able to do that.
- To improve our country
We aren’t
perfect. If we can glean some way to improve through reading a random email,
who’re we to say no? How do you think we thought of killing Osama Bin Laden? We
weren’t going to do it, and then we read a guy’s email that said we should. Bam,
Bin Laden’s dead the next day.
- To share your information with third parties
Hey, you
think it’s easy to pay for Medicare without selling a few of your buying preferences
to the Chinese? Take an economics class
- To send periodic emails
If you’re
an Obama supporter, you’re already used to this.
How we protect your
information
Jeff is looking after it. We think, we haven’t really
checked up on him in awhile
Advertising
Ads appearing in our country may be delivered to citizens by
advertising partners. These ads may include personalized information. This
information allows ad networks to, among other things, deliver targeted advertisements
that they believe will be of most interest to you. Wouldn’t you love to walk by
the Lincoln Memorial and have Abe say “Hey, (Your name here) you look like you
could use a nice refreshing Coke”. Well, if you like Pepsi instead we’d look
kind of silly now wouldn’t we? Help us help you
Compliance with
children's online privacy protection act
Protecting the privacy of the very young is especially
important. Their private information gathering will be under the direction of
our NSA Jr. Program. It is an entire branch of the NSA completely run and
staffed by people 13 and younger.
Changes to this
privacy policy
The United
States of America has the discretion to update
this privacy policy at any time. When we do, we will post a notification on the
front page of every newspaper. People still read those, right? If not we’re all
screwed. We encourage citizens to frequently check the papers for any changes
to stay informed about how we are helping to protect the personal information
we collect. You acknowledge and agree that it is your responsibility to review
this privacy policy periodically and become aware of modifications. And if not,
don’t come crying to us when we can legally sell your car to drug lords for our
own amusement. It may be part of the new policy.
Your acceptance of
these terms
By staying in this country, you signify your acceptance of
this policy. If you do not agree to this policy, please find another country to
live. Like you'll find a better one once all the Scandinavian countries and Canada
fill up. You bunch of whiners. Your continued residence following the posting
of changes to this policy will be deemed your acceptance of those changes. So pay
attention numbnutses
Contacting us
If you have any questions about this Privacy Policy, the
practices of this country, or your dealings with this country, please contact
us at:
The United
States of America
usa.gov
1-800-USA-AOKAY
notaspy@usa.gov
