Freedonia Goes Nuclear

The world’s superpowers were shocked today to find out that the tiny impoverished nation of Freedonia has become a nuclear power. It was especially shocking since the leader of Freedonia, Mr. Rufus T Firefly, is mostly known as a “simpleton” and “moron” among those who love him the most. So you can imagine what other nations’ leaders think of him. Here is a transcript of the press conference in which Firefly announced his country’s nuclear capabilities.

Firefly photographed here contemplating what to have for lunch

Firefly: (steps to podium, surrounded by flunkies) Ladies and gentlemen of the international press, I’ve called you here today to let it be known that Freedonia has successfully tested a nuclear weapon. Its SAT scores were nothing to write home about, but it left the test building and surrounding area in ruins, which we figure is the most important part. Freedonia is now a nuclear power. And now too, and also now, we’ll just say we are from now until we accidentally blow someone up who has more weapons than we do. If you have any questions hesitate as long as you possibly can to ask, I have lots of time to kill. Also here to help me answer questions is my Secretary of War Chicolini

Chicolini:(leans into microphone) Hey, how you do? Like he say we take-a any questions you may have.

Reporter 1: Is this a response to your neighboring country Sylvania and its ongoing nuclear testing?

Firefly: Why sir I take umbrage to that remark!

Chicolini: (leans into microphone) Not me, I went under a tunnel

Firefly: …….anyway, I assure you that “Operation ‘This’ll Show Sylvania’” had nothing to do with our neighbors to the east. Next question


Reporter 2: Did you get any outside help from other countries with acquiring this technology?

Firefly: We did seek outside assistance, but since our currency currently consists of dried corn and ceramic bells we didn’t have many takers. We even went to the Iranian leader, uh….. what’s his title again?

Reporter 2: Ayatollah

Chicolini: (leans into microphone) No no, you-a neva tol’ us

Firefly: Next question

Reporter 3: What does this mean for the future of your country?

Firefly: What a thoughtful and insightful question that is, and I don’t have a good answer for it. Arrest that man for making me look bad. (Reporter 3 gets carried away by guards) That’s better. Now to answer the question; what this means is that we no longer will be the 98 lbs weakling getting sand kicked in our face at the beach. We’re now the 98 lbs weakling with enough explosive power to turn the sand to glass before it even hits our face. Although now that I think about it maybe that would hurt more. Anymore questions?

Reporter Harpo: *Honk* *honk*

Firefly: Yes, that is true. But why it was covered in honey I have no idea. Okay, last question.

Reporter 4: If your country is in such poor financial shape how were you able to afford the costs of building a nuclear weapon?

Firefly: We relied heavily on contributions from our resident wealthy dowager, Mrs. Teasdale, to keep our project afloat. Ah what a beauty; so big, so explosive, leaving behind nothing but destruction and chaos. And the bomb she helped us build is a sight to behold too.

Firefly: That’s all the questions we have time for today. If you see a large flash emanating from this direction be sure to hide under the nearest desk. It won't protect you, but we figure maybe the desk crushing you will be a preferable way to die. Sleep well.

Ed's note: I think this would have been funnier actually played out by these characters than just reading it off a website. But the last important Marx Brother died more than 30 years ago, and their graves are closely guarded, so I didn't really have much of a choice.

Local Miser Taken to Insane Asylum

Fake News: 1843

Local business owner Ebenezer Scrooge was taken to an eastern London insane asylum on the day after Christmas. This unexpected incarceration was coordinated by Scrooge’s family, workers, and various townspeople. They were noticing extreme changes in behavior and bizarre ranting by the town’s wealthiest moneylender. “We’re not sure what caused it exactly,” said Scrooge’s nephew Fred, “but I’d become used to him being a greedy, miserable bloke who hated me my whole life. Then out of the blue he shows up at my house on Christmas day wearing nothing but pajamas, exclaiming that he loved me because ghosts told him he should, and just generally acting like he was high on ecstasy.” When pressed on what exactly “ecstasy” was Fred responded “It’s a mixture of opium and horse manure; truly the 19th century’s greatest invention”

“Yeah, he threw open his window and started frantically asking me what day it was,” said a local nameless street urchin “before I answered I took a look around at all of the Christmas decorations that were up everywhere, the annual present opening going on in the town square, and the giant banner that was being hung across the street that said [Merry Christmas..... that’s today by the way] in giant letters. And all I could muster in response was ‘Uh, today? Why it’s Christmas day. What’re you stupid?’ I don’t think he caught the last part. Then he just started throwing money at me and ordering me to take food to people I’d never heard of. F’in nutjob man”

One of the main people responsible for Scrooge’s incarceration was Bob Cratchit, a clerk at Scrooge’s money-lending office. “I don’t really know where to begin. First he tells me that a ghost told him that my son Tim would die from his 'disease' if he (Scrooge) didn’t become a nicer guy. My son has a sprained ankle, he’ll be walking normally in 2 or 3 weeks, I’ve told Scrooge that many times. And I'm no doctor, but a stranger being nice to him probably wouldn't have cured his terminal disease anyway. Then he tells me that he’s giving me a raise and starts talking about making me a partner in his firm. While I wasn’t going to fight him about it I’ve been working there for about 5 weeks. My last job was as an assistant chimney sweep, I’m not exactly someone you want to be making important decisions or give a lot of power to. Then the craziest thing of all: he brought us a turkey. A turkey on Christmas! Who eats turkey on Christmas instead of ham or goose?! Turkey’s for Thanksgiving dammit! That’s completely insane and worthy of being committed to an asylum in my mind.”

Scrooge was taken to The Ravenscroft Mental Institution, where he will remain until he shows a vast improvement in his mental faculties. Officials at the institute are not confident of that however as Scrooge at various times claims that he thinks he’s a duck, a woman, or that he’s surrounded by little weird talking animals that’re wearing clothes.

'Start Winning or We'll Drop You' EA Tells a Laughing Tiger Woods

Fake News: Sports

A meeting was held at Electronic Arts headquarters on Monday, and an ultimatum was laid down to golfer Tiger Woods by EA CEO John Riccitiello. “We have a business relationship with you, it's based on you being the best golfer in the world. So we’ve come to the decision that if you don’t start winning again we’ll drop you as the poster-boy for our golfing video games”.


Mr. Woods was able to stifle his laughter for a good 5 seconds before bursting out in a guffaw heard down the spacious hallway leading to the CEO’s office.


“No, we’re serious” continued Mr. Riccitiello, “there are plenty of options for us if we don’t have you. We already have the posters made up for Lee Westwood 2012, he’s huge over in Belgium. Or wherever the hell he’s from.”


At this point Mr. Woods was out of his chair convulsing on the floor. “Stop it!” an increasingly annoyed CEO exclaimed “We have other options too; Phil Mickelson is just as good a choice. Of course, we’d have to borrow the breast templates from the DOA Volleyball girls to get his avatar right, but it’s doable. And let’s not forget, um.... Arnold Palmer? He’s still alive right?”


By this time Mr. Woods was practically begging for him to stop so he could breathe again. “Oh man,” Tiger said while trying to regain his composure, “this is funnier than the time Jordan bet me $100,000 I couldn’t beat up a homeless guy with my putter and get away with it”.

Fake News: Pittsburgh Man Aware That Film Was Shot in Pittsburgh

Trevor Ryan of Tarentum had a surprise for many of his customers during his shift at the local Sunoco station. He revealed to all who would listen, and some who wouldn’t, that the latest Russell Crowe movie “The Next Three Days” was filmed in Pittsburgh.

“Yeah, I like to let people know what films were made around here.” explained Mr. Ryan, “I also like to tell them which famous people are from around here, and which of our landmarks can be seen from space. It turns out none of them can be seen from there, but speaking of space did you know the guy who played Alan Shepard in ‘The Right Stuff’ was from Pittsburgh? By the way, do you want a receipt for that power-bar?”

Mr. Ryan’s comments did not go unnoticed by his grateful customers. “I had just come in for some bread and a Bingo lottery scratch-off ticket.” Said Jim Locke of New Kensington, “But the cashier, after explaining that the game of bingo originated in Pittsburgh, brought up the fact that ‘The Next Three Days’ was filmed not 10 miles or so from here. Apparently one day a grip came in on the way to the set to pick up a Coke. The cashier showed me the autographed photo he took with him; he’s smiling a huge smile while the grip just kind of looks confused.”

When asked if it meant anything that he now knew about the movie being filmed in Pittsburgh Mr. Locke replied, “I’m truly a better person today for knowing all of that information about that movie being made in my fair city. Hopefully it’ll become a long remembered classic like other movies filmed here. Like ‘Sudden Death’, ‘She’s Out of My League’ and ‘Roommates’.”

Blind Date

Recently I was set up on a blind date by a friend of mine. Well, he wasn’t so much a friend as he was an exceedingly friendly car-jacker. After he opened up my trunk to let me out he said “You know you’re kind of cute. Give me your contact info so I can set you up with my sister”. Being relieved that he said that after “You know, you’re kind of cute” I was willing to do anything, so I gave him my business card.


A few weeks later I received a call from the sister; we talked for a bit, and she suggested that we meet for dinner sometime. Having lost my dignity in a tragic lawn-mower accident I didn’t hesitate to say yes. We decided to meet in the most upscale restaurant in our town. She was late, so I ordered a Bloomin’ Onion without her. Then suddenly, she walked in.


She was easily the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in person; bested only by a woman standing next to a stereo in a Best Buy catalog as the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in my life. I never did find out her name, but I was happy that I was able to find room for the 500 stereos I bought. Anyway….. I digress, back to my blind date. She had it all; lovely legs, a beautiful face, and the elbows of a Greek goddess. We said our hellos and I asked her name, and she told me she was Vanessa (named after her grandfather). We got to talking and we found out that we had many things in common; a love of the smell of gasoline, our collection of clipped Mary Worth comics, and a very similar way of saying the word “Washington” (with the ‘s’ and the ‘n’ being silent). We laughed and conversed for hours, it was so perfect that I knew something was going to go wrong. And it did.


“I need to tell you something that is a bit of an unpleasant subject for me to talk about” she said. “You’re a prostitute?” I blurted out, obviously not thinking clearly. “No, it’s something entirely different” she said, and all I could utter was “Oh” as I stopped reaching for my wallet. “I have horrible anger issues” she continued, “in fact I’m amazed you didn’t react to the knife I stuck in your thigh after that prostitute crack.” “Is that what that is?” I said, “I thought my sciatica was acting up again.” As I pulled the knife out she continued to tell me that for her entire life she’d been in countless fights, alienated everyone she’d ever known, and had been kicked off the ‘Price is Right’ for attempting to impale Bob Barker on the Plinko board. She asked if I could handle her and her mood swings, and I said “No”.


I was actually going to say “No problem”, but before I could finish the “o” part she was up like a flash, screaming and banging my head off the table repeatedly. After the thirteenth or fourteenth minute of her doing this I actually started enjoying it a little, possibly due to brain damage (unrelated to the table banging). I think she could sense this because she began asking for other patrons to hand her things to hit me with. I was a bit disheartened by how quick and eager they were to help her. I thought the cheering section that formed was a bit unnecessary as well. As I was being pelted with glasses, chairs, and laughing 5 year olds I could only think “Well, at least this has been a better Flag Day than last year.”

Man Celebrates Watching Show he Hates for 250th Straight Episode

November 20th, 2010 was a big day for Ethan Clark of Long Island, NY. He watched Saturday Night Live for the 250th straight episode without enjoying a single second of it. He celebrated by having friends and family over to complain and have cake.

“I hate this show so much, it’s not funny, the impressions are lame, and the musical guest couldn’t win a karaoke contest at a local dive bar. And it’ll be just as bad when I watch the full hour and a half next week.” When asked why he religiously watches a show he hates so much his only reply was “What else am I going to do? It's not like there are things to do on a Saturday night in New York City”

Ethan was joined later that night by his roommate Mike who also has harsh words for SNL, even though he hasn’t watched it in over 10 years. “What an unfunny pile of crap that show is. At least I assume it is since I haven’t watched since they fired Jim Breuer. Goat Boy was hilarious.” When pressed on how he could know the quality of a show he hasn't watched in so long he admitted "Well, I'll turn it on for about 5 mins at a time every few shows or so and it's never funny when I turn it on. You have to assume that's enough time to give any show to determine the quality."

When asked what his plans were for the following week's TV watching Ethan replied "Well I plan on not watching 'Modern Family', I love that show"

Ruler With Pat Toomey’s Name on it Sways Swing Voter

Fake News: Politics

A swing vote was decided today when a man was handed a ruler with Pat Toomey’s name on it by campaign workers outside of a North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania polling location. “I had no idea who I was going to vote for, even though I drove a full 20 minutes to get here” said retired assistant bartender Fred Alger. “On the one hand I’m against Pat Toomey because he was actually in China at one point in his life. But then on the other hand Joe Sestak has voted with Nancy Pelosi 100% of the time, and that’s incredibly bad for some reason.”

As Mr. Alger was walking into his polling place he was handed a ruler with Toomey’s name and face on it by campaign worker Heather Sims. “Sometimes with these swing voters you just need to have them hear your candidate’s name last for them to vote for him or her” she explained “It’s a lot like playing peek-a-boo with a baby, the last person they think of is the only one who exists.”

“I’m grateful for Ms. Sims’ help in making my decision,” Mr. Alger continued “I was literally walking up the stairs with no idea who I was going to vote for. I started panicking and shaking, and I think I accidentally kicked an old lady who had just voted. Her making my decision for me probably saved somebody’s life”

When Mr. Alger was asked how he made his decisions in all of the other races he placed vote on he replied “Alphabetically”

NFL Players to Wear Throwback Jerseys, Numbers, and Names

Fake News: Sports

- New York City

The NFL has mandated that the San Francisco 49ers and Denver Broncos will wear throwback jerseys for their match-up in London, England this weekend. In addition, certain players will be issued throwback numbers and names for their jerseys.

“We had to do something,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell. “If we send over the current version of the Broncos and 49ers to play in London it could cause an international incident. The UN nearly imposed sanctions against the UK for sending David Beckham to the United States. The good news is that the British are oblivious to American football. They don’t know that the only players they’ve ever heard of on these teams are long retired. We could get a monkey and slap a #7 “Elway” jersey on him and they wouldn’t know the difference. Unfortunately, the monkey fell ill and we’re stuck with Kyle Orton.”

“I thought it was odd that they told us we were going to be wearing 80s throwback jerseys since our uniforms have basically been the same since the 1960s,” said San Francisco wide receiver Michael Crabtree. “However, I changed my mind once they told me I’d be wearing the #80 “Rice” jersey. I was honored to be quite honest. Of course I’ll now be holding out of the game since I deserve Jerry Rice money.”

The NFL has decided that Alex Smith will be issued a #16 “Montana” jersey for the first half, and a #8 “Young” jersey for the second half. “He will be instructed to throw left-handed in the second half, for authenticity’s sake.” Said 49ers PR Director Bob Lange “Hell, it’s Alex Smith. The change may actually work for him.”

The Unbearable Whiteness of Being

We’re back again with another edition of: the making fun of lyrics segment that I haven’t thought of a name for yet. Today’s selection is from the 1993 album Doggystyle from Snoop Doggy Dogg. According to the album’s wikipedia page the title of the album is a reference to the doggystyle sex position. Boy, you learn something new every day, huh?

Anyway, the song/rap/whatever of the day is Doggy Dogg World, which in addition to Snoop also features Kurupt and Daz. Being the crackeriest cracker that ever cracked most of these lyrics could be just over my head, but a lot of them don’t make a damn lick of sense. One thing I have gleaned from it is that Snoop Dogg and the other two have very high self esteem. Which is healthy, and totally unusual in the world of rap. It starts with a bit of an intro an old drunk guy, then Snoop comes on.


Snoop: Ya know, some of these niggaz is so deceptive
Usin my styles like a contraceptive


We now know why rappers have so many kids. “No baby, you don’t need to take your pill, no condoms. We’re gonna use Snoop’s style”

Snoop: So put your gun away, run away, cuz i'm back (why?)
Hit em up, get em up, spit em up, now
Tell me what's goin on

No no, the unknown, unseen entity in the parenthesis asked you why you were back first. I’ll tell you what’s going on once you answer him/her/it.

Snoop: It make me wanna holler, cuz my dollars come in ozones

From the NASA website: “Ozone is an irritating, corrosive, colorless gas with a smell something like burning electrical wiring.”

Note to strippers: avoid Snoop Dogg’s tips.

Snoop: Lone for the break-up, so take off your clothes
and quit tryin to spit at my motherfuckin hoes

Geez, one command at a time bossy boots. Now help me with these shoes.

Next up is Kurupt, and boy this certainly took his career to the next level didn't it? Oh, it didn't? Nevermind

Kurupt: Well if you give me ten bitches then I'll fuck all ten

Okay, I give you Rosie O’Donnell, Alexis Arquette, Ellen Degeneres, and seven rejects from Biggest Loser. Go

Kurupt: Ain't that somethin, talk shit and I'm dumpin

Yes that is something. If I were to talk shit about how you’ve not done anything of note since this video 16 years ago you’d literally shit yourself. That’s generally not something you just want to admit all willy-nilly

Kurupt: I'm a G like that strapped with hit hard tactics
A fuckin menace, usin hoes like tennis rackets

“Okay, now let’s see your backhand. Man you’re terrible, I can’t understand why you haven’t gotten any better in our seven sessions. Wait….. are you using a skanky woman wearing a tube top and booty shorts to hit those balls? Here, use a Wilson racket instead, you should start to see results immediately”

Perhaps it’s because I’m whiter than the inside of Lindsay Lohan’s nostrils, but I literally have no idea what using hoes like tennis rackets means. And if not for tennis, does he use them for other uses? Does he use hoes to catch bats that fly into his house? Does he use hoes to play air guitar while “November Rain” is playing? To strain spaghetti? Someone help me out

Kurupt: I'm dishin out blues, I'm upsetting like bad news
Cut off khakis, french braids, and house shoes

I understand why bad news is upsetting. But the other three things seem mostly harmless. Don’t be a pussy Kurupt

Last is Daz. Not to be confused with Nas, or Taz.

Daz: I flip flop and serve hoes with a fat dick

“Here’s your champagne madame ho, but please be gentle when you take it. By the way have I told you I’ve totally reversed my stance on abortion?”

There, now you've read something on a subject written by someone who has no business writing about it. You're now prepared to read Drew Barrymore's writings about euclidean geometry.

Witty title to be determined.

One thing that's evident when you listen to music is that no one really cares about song lyrics. If song lyrics mattered Eddie Vedder would still be singing incoherently out of a garage in Seattle, and "Rockin' in the Free World" wouldn't be played over the PA system at Major League Baseball games. In fact the only lyrics that usually matter are the title/chorus lyrics: "Wait, the song's called 'Born in the USA'? It must be a rockin' patriotic anthem, and it wouldn't be completely stupid to adopt it as our campaign song".

One of the features of this blog will be dedicated to dissecting weird lyrics. Not misheard lyrics like "'Scuse me while I kiss this guy", but lyrics you do hear correctly and still make you go "Ummm, what?". Some may focus on a single line, or like today almost the entire song.

Today we take a look at another Springsteen song, this one off of his "Seeger Sessions" album. Bruce decided to do the "Seeger Sessions" album due to the severe irony shortage of '06. Bruce figured he would help by being a multi-gazillionare who would cover songs like "We Shall Overcome". One of the songs/covers on this album is "Mrs. McGrath", which is a traditional Irish anti-war song that dates back to 1815. It's a song about a mother who sends her son off to war, only to have him come back horribly disfigured. Or: the least depressing Cure song ever.

Given the description of the song it actually unfolds waaaay differently than you may think (actual lyrics are bolded. and are culled from various sources)


At the beginning of the song we have a mother being sold on sending her son off to war. And apparently she only wants him to go because of the wardrobe

"Mrs. McGrath," the sergeant said,
"Would you like a soldier
of your son, Ted?
Scarlet cloak and a big cocked hat,
now Mrs. McGrath wouldn't you like that?"

Like any good recruiter this sergeant knows how to sell. And he knows what all the ladies find irresistible: fashion. “Wow, a coat and a hat? Hell, why didn’t you tell me right away?! I don’t even care if he doesn’t want to go now”

So after 7 years or so the son returns. And upon his return his mother finds out some bad news

Then came Ted without any legs
And in their place two wooden pegs,
She kissed him a dozen times or two
And said "My god, Ted is it you"

"Now were ye drunk or were ye blind
When ye left yer two fine legs behind
Or was it walking upon the sea
That wore your two fine legs away?"

The moment she sees her legless son she starts cracking jokes. Is this a tearful reunion, or is it a night at the Apollo and mom is going after a legless heckler? Frankly I can’t tell.

The son takes it well however, either that or he just can’t walk out without tipping over. But he explains that it was in fact a cannonball that took his legs. To which mother replies

"My, Teddyboy," the widow cried
"Your two fine legs were your mother's pride
Stumps of a tree won't do at all.....

“Goddamn it son, I liked your legs, why’d you have to lose them? What? You can’t walk now? Who cares, this isn’t about you”

.....Why didn't you run from the cannon ball?"

“Well gee, great advice mom. If only you were there to advise me to do that. Instead I actually put myself in the path of the cannonball because I thought I could catch it like a dodgeball. I figured that was one way of winning”.

And finally we end on these lyrics

"All foreign wars I do proclaim
live on blood and a mothers pain.
I'd rather have my son as he used to be
Than the King of America and his whole navy"

Finally mom shows at least a little bit of compassion. She does however show a stunning lack of knowledge of how exactly America works. Maybe she went to public school

That's it for this installment. Since there are roughly one billion or so published songs in the history of the world I should have plenty of material.

I Review Everything

I Review Everything: Your Computer's X-Key

Whether looking up porn, writing X-Men fan fiction, or looking up X-Men themed porn, the x-key on the keyboard is a staple in the lives of most people. But how good is it really? We find out today on: I Review Everything. For reference I will be using the x-key on my work computer (photo below). It is the finest x-key that a computer still running Windows 2000 can have. I’d complain to have the computer updated, but I’d really want to have the dead (and possibly live) bugs in the light fixture above me taken care of first. I wish I were joking, but I digress

Photo taken from Google Earth satellite

The x-key is located in the lower left-hand corner of the keyboard, between the ‘z’ and ‘c’ keys. This is true of any qwerty keyboard. The qwerty keyboard of course named after Francis Qwerty; the dyslexic computer hardware designer. His inability to correctly say his ABC’s in school drove him to design keyboards to make sure everyone on the planet had to live with his disability for all of eternity. He also had number dyslexia, but luckily even though he didn’t know the right order for the numbers he just happened to put them all in the right order. That is outside of putting the 0 after the 9, but close enough.

The x-key is ascetically pleasing, very well designed. It is marked with a big ‘X’, as if to say “Hey, if you press me you’ll put an X on the screen”. The only disadvantage is that the key can easily removed and replaced with another key, so pranksters can sabotage your keyboard. Then Xavier becomes Cavier, and your order for an online male prostitute turns into an order of fish-eggs. Don’t you hate when that happens? I know I do.

The x-key is also handy as a fingerprint catching device. And as we’ve learned from numerous movies and TV shows, fingerprints are an almost infallible piece of evidence for prosecuting criminals, right up there with DNA retrieved from single flakes of dandruff, and testimony from Jesus Christ himself. However, the x-key is only useful this way if the criminal calls himself the Saxitoxin Killer, or something similar. Many, many times. On his own computer that only he uses. And he doesn’t have a bottle of Windex to wipe off the keyboard.

The x-key suffers from representing the letter ‘x’, one of the worst letters there is. Seriously, think of a word with ‘x’ in it, isn’t it a stupid word? I’m sure we’ve all at one time said “feh” to xylophone, and “eat me” to Max. Not the people, just the name. ‘X’ has been banned from sponsoring Sesame Street episodes ever since the unfortunate drunken fight with Telly Monster and the number 7 that left three dead and two handless. (all crime stats are compiled by The Count). Just like you assume any baseball player with “Pirates” on the front of his jersey is no good, such is the case with words featuring the letter ‘x’. And the x-key suffers that same fate.

Despite my x-ist personal opinions, I have to admit that the x-key does serve a useful purpose. One would not be able to illegally download the movie Xanadu without it. And you wouldn’t be able to find extreme sports on the internet. You’d be left with only normal monkey motocross instead of the way cooler Extreme Monkey Motocross, or XMM as its fans know it. X-key downsides include a very limited range of emotions for emoticons. You can either be so happy your eyes are closed [ XD ] or shutting up [ :X ]. So if you’re a 14 year old girl the lack of emotion may be a bit much to handle. Other downsides include inconvenience to the right hand, and causing blindness in small children in very rare cases.

Costs for the x-key range from “free with keyboard” to “However much the Nigerian guy selling you your computer wants to pay for it”.

X-Key rating: 17 stars (out of 35)

Brain vs. Brain

Tale of the Wiki-tape

One of the things you find out on the internet is that priorities are often skewed. Video lectures on Literature from Yale University have roughly .000001% the number views of a video of a monkey using a frog to masturbate.

One of the greatest indicators of how important someone or something is on the internet is the size of that person or thing's particular Wikipedia page. It’s just a theory at this point; it’s in my theory journal right next to the Large Hadron Collider somehow being responsible for the success of ‘Jersey Shore’. I’ll occasionally test the Wiki theory by asking: “Who has the bigger Wikipedia page?”

Today’s contestants: One is a 1981 Nobel Laureate whose research has shaped much of what we know about how the brain works: Roger Sperry. The other used his massive intellect to become one of the greatest managers in WWF/E history: Bobby “The Brain” Heenan.

Robert Sperry's Wiki page

Bobby "the Brain" Heenan's Wiki page

According to Wikipedia: Roger Sperry grew up with his mother Florence, father Francis, and brother Russell in Hartford, CT. It should be noted that none of his immediate family members were important enough to warrant their own wikipedia pages. That’s already a bad sign.

Sperry received his Bachelor’s Degree in English, and a Master’s in psychology from Oberlin College. He joins such other illustrious Oberlin alumni as hippy ice cream connoisseur Jerry Greenfield (Ben & Jerry’s), and conservative author and interment camp proponent Michelle Malkin, whose relation to Pittsburgh Penguin Evgeni is unclear, yet obvious. Jerry and Michelle were admitted under Oberlin’s “Get the two most opposite people ever as alumnuseses” initiative. They were however bested by little known Aldersson Broadus College who can claim both Yao Ming and Hooks from the Police Academy movies as alumni.

After realizing his English degree was worthless, Sperry would go on to research the brain at Harvard and the California Institute of Technology, where he would perform his most famous works. There is no record of him ever donning spandex and yelling obscenities on behalf of marble mouthed wrestlers, but if he had perhaps his wiki entry would have been longer.

Robert Sperry, before going in for an eyebrow wax

According to Wikipedia: Bobby “the Brain” Heenan grew up in Indianapolis and Chicago, with a family so unimportant they don’t even warrant mention in his bio. He started in the wrestling business at the age of 16, carrying wrestlers’ equipment and working concession stands. Tasks usually only reserved for the most qualified soccer moms and 10 year olds. He later became a “heel” manager, heel meaning “bad guy” in the wrestling-to-English dictionary.

He went on to form the “Heenan Family” stable of wrestlers, no doubt to make up for the lack of Wikipedia worthy family he had growing up. The “Heenan Family” would last a good 20 years featuring an ever changing group of wrestlers that included luminaries such as The Red Rooster, and The Brooklyn Brawler. He would later have to retire from managing due to a bad neck, and would last another decade as an announcer before throat cancer forced him to not have a throat and therefore not be able to speak.

Further Wiki reading shows that Sperry’s most famous experiments dealt with “split-brain” theory. Or the theory that the two separate hemispheres of the brain are almost totally separate entities, that each half of the brain has its own consciousness. Bobby Heenan went on to manage, among others, the Brainbusters, whose split-brain theory mainly consisted of them trying to literally split their opponent’s brains.

Bobby Heenan seen here with the Brain Busters, unsuccessfully attempting to hitch a ride somewhere

Sperry won the Nobel Prize for Medicine in 1981. Bobby Heenan was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2004. The only person who can claim both a Nobel Prize and Induction into the WWE Hall of Fame of course being Nikolai Volkov; who won the Nobel Peace prize for his world changing turn from “guy who sings the Soviet anthem before matches” to “guy who sings the American anthem before matches”

Sperry would die in 1994, partly due to Kuru which is an incurable degenerative brain disease. He acquired this disease whilst handing brains for his experiments. And as mentioned earlier “The Brain”, one of the best speakers in wrestling history, had to retire due to throat cancer. Irony is a cruel mistress; Cruel Mistress was also in the “Heenan Family” at one point if I’m not mistaken.

Anyway, on to the main point of this entry, who is more important? Important-ness will be determined by cutting and pasting their Wikipedia pages onto a Word document and doing a word count. Which is also how they determine who wins at the Golden Globes.

Roger Sperry:

Pages: 2

Words: 717

Characters: 4540

Footnotes: 2

References: 8

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan:

Pages: 7

Words: 2749

Characters: 16,615

Footnotes: 19

References: 0

Well, there you have it. All of Roger Sperry’s many years of tireless brain research; research that ultimately killed him, pales compared to the guy who managed King Kong Bundy.

In the eyes of the internet a Nobel Prize pales in comparison to leering at Nitro Girls.

Notice the absolute domination in number of footnotes, because of course it’s incredibly important that you know for sure that Andre the Giant would have to retire if he lost his match at the first Wrestlemania.

So in conclusion: go to hell Roger Sperry, if you’re not already there, the internet has decided you’re a second class citizen to a guy who hasn’t been on TV regularly in almost a decade. And really, who can disagree?

This has been Tale of the Wiki tape. I'll blog again with whatever random thing I feel like writing about. Join me again won’t us?

Fake news: Roethlisberger Cleared on Charges Due to being Too Fat

MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. - Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will not be prosecuted on sexual assault allegations. This news comes after the Baldwin County district attorney today said that Mr. Roethlisberger was entirely too fat to have committed the sexual crimes of which he was accused.

"Seriously, have you seen this guy lately?" Ocmulgee Judicial Court District Attorney Fredric D. Bright opined on Monday, "He has to be pushing 3 bills easily, you think he's fitting into a bathroom stall that's 5 feet wide by 7 or so feet high that already has someone else in it?". Bright later claimed that Roethlisberger followed the woman into the woman's restroom due to her strawberry scented body-wash, "He thought there were pancakes in the woman's restroom." "In addition to being gigantic he's not all that bright either; perhaps due to the multiple concussions, or merely being from the state of Ohio. That has yet to be determined." When he got to the bathroom and found no pancakes Roethlisberger then attempted to, in the words of DA Bright, "remove his large ass from out of the bathroom stall, but it being of such small dimensions he had some problems with that". When asked about the bruising on the woman's body Bright said "It's what we call in legalese an 'unintentional, non-lethal Fatty Arkbuckle'".

Mr Bright went on to explain, "The doctor found no evidence of semen or discharge. The swabbings from the rape-evidence kit were tested by the Georgia Bureau of Investigation crime lab in Atlanta, Georgia, and the initial testing found what was thought to be human male DNA present. It turned out to be a very small dab of ranch dressing, probably from Mr. Roethlisberger's beard".

When reached for comment Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said "While we are not happy with the circumstances, we are indeed relieved that Ben has been cleared of the charges. We look forward to getting Ben into camp, mostly because we plan on switching him to left tackle. After years of not having the talent on the offensive line to protect the quarterback, we feel that Ben will provide the necessary blocking for whoever it is that's going to take his place. It will be a fierce battle between Antoine Randle El and the guy who pretended to be Ben a few years ago so he could get laid."