Ruler With Pat Toomey’s Name on it Sways Swing Voter

Fake News: Politics

A swing vote was decided today when a man was handed a ruler with Pat Toomey’s name on it by campaign workers outside of a North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania polling location. “I had no idea who I was going to vote for, even though I drove a full 20 minutes to get here” said retired assistant bartender Fred Alger. “On the one hand I’m against Pat Toomey because he was actually in China at one point in his life. But then on the other hand Joe Sestak has voted with Nancy Pelosi 100% of the time, and that’s incredibly bad for some reason.”

As Mr. Alger was walking into his polling place he was handed a ruler with Toomey’s name and face on it by campaign worker Heather Sims. “Sometimes with these swing voters you just need to have them hear your candidate’s name last for them to vote for him or her” she explained “It’s a lot like playing peek-a-boo with a baby, the last person they think of is the only one who exists.”

“I’m grateful for Ms. Sims’ help in making my decision,” Mr. Alger continued “I was literally walking up the stairs with no idea who I was going to vote for. I started panicking and shaking, and I think I accidentally kicked an old lady who had just voted. Her making my decision for me probably saved somebody’s life”

When Mr. Alger was asked how he made his decisions in all of the other races he placed vote on he replied “Alphabetically”