Blind Date

Recently I was set up on a blind date by a friend of mine. Well, he wasn’t so much a friend as he was an exceedingly friendly car-jacker. After he opened up my trunk to let me out he said “You know you’re kind of cute. Give me your contact info so I can set you up with my sister”. Being relieved that he said that after “You know, you’re kind of cute” I was willing to do anything, so I gave him my business card.


A few weeks later I received a call from the sister; we talked for a bit, and she suggested that we meet for dinner sometime. Having lost my dignity in a tragic lawn-mower accident I didn’t hesitate to say yes. We decided to meet in the most upscale restaurant in our town. She was late, so I ordered a Bloomin’ Onion without her. Then suddenly, she walked in.


She was easily the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in person; bested only by a woman standing next to a stereo in a Best Buy catalog as the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in my life. I never did find out her name, but I was happy that I was able to find room for the 500 stereos I bought. Anyway….. I digress, back to my blind date. She had it all; lovely legs, a beautiful face, and the elbows of a Greek goddess. We said our hellos and I asked her name, and she told me she was Vanessa (named after her grandfather). We got to talking and we found out that we had many things in common; a love of the smell of gasoline, our collection of clipped Mary Worth comics, and a very similar way of saying the word “Washington” (with the ‘s’ and the ‘n’ being silent). We laughed and conversed for hours, it was so perfect that I knew something was going to go wrong. And it did.


“I need to tell you something that is a bit of an unpleasant subject for me to talk about” she said. “You’re a prostitute?” I blurted out, obviously not thinking clearly. “No, it’s something entirely different” she said, and all I could utter was “Oh” as I stopped reaching for my wallet. “I have horrible anger issues” she continued, “in fact I’m amazed you didn’t react to the knife I stuck in your thigh after that prostitute crack.” “Is that what that is?” I said, “I thought my sciatica was acting up again.” As I pulled the knife out she continued to tell me that for her entire life she’d been in countless fights, alienated everyone she’d ever known, and had been kicked off the ‘Price is Right’ for attempting to impale Bob Barker on the Plinko board. She asked if I could handle her and her mood swings, and I said “No”.


I was actually going to say “No problem”, but before I could finish the “o” part she was up like a flash, screaming and banging my head off the table repeatedly. After the thirteenth or fourteenth minute of her doing this I actually started enjoying it a little, possibly due to brain damage (unrelated to the table banging). I think she could sense this because she began asking for other patrons to hand her things to hit me with. I was a bit disheartened by how quick and eager they were to help her. I thought the cheering section that formed was a bit unnecessary as well. As I was being pelted with glasses, chairs, and laughing 5 year olds I could only think “Well, at least this has been a better Flag Day than last year.”

Man Celebrates Watching Show he Hates for 250th Straight Episode

November 20th, 2010 was a big day for Ethan Clark of Long Island, NY. He watched Saturday Night Live for the 250th straight episode without enjoying a single second of it. He celebrated by having friends and family over to complain and have cake.

“I hate this show so much, it’s not funny, the impressions are lame, and the musical guest couldn’t win a karaoke contest at a local dive bar. And it’ll be just as bad when I watch the full hour and a half next week.” When asked why he religiously watches a show he hates so much his only reply was “What else am I going to do? It's not like there are things to do on a Saturday night in New York City”

Ethan was joined later that night by his roommate Mike who also has harsh words for SNL, even though he hasn’t watched it in over 10 years. “What an unfunny pile of crap that show is. At least I assume it is since I haven’t watched since they fired Jim Breuer. Goat Boy was hilarious.” When pressed on how he could know the quality of a show he hasn't watched in so long he admitted "Well, I'll turn it on for about 5 mins at a time every few shows or so and it's never funny when I turn it on. You have to assume that's enough time to give any show to determine the quality."

When asked what his plans were for the following week's TV watching Ethan replied "Well I plan on not watching 'Modern Family', I love that show"

Ruler With Pat Toomey’s Name on it Sways Swing Voter

Fake News: Politics

A swing vote was decided today when a man was handed a ruler with Pat Toomey’s name on it by campaign workers outside of a North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania polling location. “I had no idea who I was going to vote for, even though I drove a full 20 minutes to get here” said retired assistant bartender Fred Alger. “On the one hand I’m against Pat Toomey because he was actually in China at one point in his life. But then on the other hand Joe Sestak has voted with Nancy Pelosi 100% of the time, and that’s incredibly bad for some reason.”

As Mr. Alger was walking into his polling place he was handed a ruler with Toomey’s name and face on it by campaign worker Heather Sims. “Sometimes with these swing voters you just need to have them hear your candidate’s name last for them to vote for him or her” she explained “It’s a lot like playing peek-a-boo with a baby, the last person they think of is the only one who exists.”

“I’m grateful for Ms. Sims’ help in making my decision,” Mr. Alger continued “I was literally walking up the stairs with no idea who I was going to vote for. I started panicking and shaking, and I think I accidentally kicked an old lady who had just voted. Her making my decision for me probably saved somebody’s life”

When Mr. Alger was asked how he made his decisions in all of the other races he placed vote on he replied “Alphabetically”