Furry Convention Causes Confusion for Local Polar Bear Club

The Pittsburgh Polar Bear Club, the club famous for meeting to take swims in sub-zero temperatures, met this week for a dip in the Monongahela River. While this is usually cause for unusual glances, hard nipples, and a bit of media coverage for the famed club, this time it was met with mostly apathy. Organizers blamed this on the 80 degree temperatures at swim time. They then blamed the confusion on the annual Furry Convention, or Anthrocon.

“Yeah there was a listing on Craigslist that said ‘Looking for Polar Bears This Weekend’.” said James Blart, member of the Pittsburgh Polar Bears Club. “Naturally I assumed that there was a gathering of our club” However he was mistaken, the ad was posted by a Furry Convention goer looking for fellow bear-animal enthusiasts to hang out with at the convention, and perhaps have be-costumed sex with later. “When I first saw the ad I just figured there was a major cold front coming, what with the global climate change and all. I would have checked the weather forecast myself, but I don’t have a TV and my work blocks every web-site except for craigslist”.

Mr. Blart was able to convince a loose assortment of about 20 of his club members to join him on the North Shore for a swim. “We got there and it was 80 degrees out and there were old people and kids in the water.” Said polar bearette Rachel Sheehan, “We all kind just kind of looked at each other and someone said, ‘Man people aren’t really going to be impressed by this at all are they? It’s going to be kind of like skydiving from the top of a hummer’. So we all were about to head home when some of the actual furries walked by and asked what we were doing.”

“Yeah we saw these freaks in overcoats and speedos standing besides the water looking very angrily at one particular guy,” said Ross “Starwolf” Daniels, a leading furry. “So we asked them what was going on, and they explained the situation. While we found them to be incredibly strange for wanting to swim in freezing temperatures, a swim did sound like fun, so we convinced them to swim with us. They agreed but kind of had a scared look in their eyes while doing it.” Ms. Sheehan backed up the story, “We really weren’t sure what they’d do to us if we said no. Some sort of scratching or urinating or ramming or who the hell knows. But we actually regretted our decision immediately afterward, do you know what those suits smell like after they’re wet? It’s like a weird combination of wet fur and… sadness.”

When asked if there were any plans for future meet-ups Mr. Blart declined to comment. But he did ask us to help pick up the broken glass from the car windshield his club fellows smashed out.

Partisan Gridlock Over The Debt Ceiling Could Send Us Into a Depress….. Hey Look, a Politician’s Dick!

As the August 2nd deadline to increase the debt ceiling looms, polarizing views on how to balance the budget may force the United States to default on its debt for the first time its history. This in all likelihood would…. oh my god, look over there, it’s a picture of a married Congressman’s penis! Haha, he accidentally sent it out as a tweet when it meant to send it to some random woman. Oh man, this is hilarious, let’s pay attention to that. What? Aww hell, okay

This in all likelihood would send the economy off a cliff, making it as bad as anything the country has endured since the 1930s, or even worse. Members of the GOP are refusing to raise the ceiling without a massive amount of cuts being made in public spending, but disagree with Democrats who feel that taxes will also need to be raised… Wait, what? His name is Weiner? Holy shit, that just makes the whole thing even funnier. I mean, wiener is another word for penis, which is what he sent pictures of. And he’s all shirtless and pervy, and look at these transcripts of chats with women. Comedy gold! Fuck, gotta continue with the boring story.

Democrats feel that taxes will need to be raised, if only on the richest Americans, in order to get the budget balanced. Without tax increases spending will need to be slashed by about 40% to balance the budget and not have to raise the debt ceiling. This would slow (if not reverse) the already pokey economic recovery. This would also have to include massive cuts in Medicare and Social Security. If the US defaults on its debt it would also put the world economy in jeopardy as the US is still…. Haha, look at this headline ‘Obama Beats Weiner’. Woo, that’s a good one, because it implies masturbation. Wait, I have a good one ‘Weiner Weiner Chicken Dinner’. What? Shut up, they don’t always have to be phallicly based.

Anyway, if the US defaults on its debt it can have both long and short term implications. These include a very sharp decline in the stock market, hyperinflation, depression level unemployment, inability to pay for Social Security and Medicare, inability to pay the military…. and the list just goes on. Hell, this is really depressing. Wait, wait, I have another one: The coverup is always worse than the crime, but luckily for us he covered up his dick in most of his pictures. Haha, Leno show here I come. Looks like I may have to pay $20 for a can of soup too, but I think it all balances out in that case.