First Draft theater: Apocalypse Whenever

Huge cracks in the Earth opened up, billowing fire. Demons rose from those cracks devouring any people they could get their claws on. The good and righteous disappeared completely, taken up into heaven. So like…. 50 people world-wide disappeared. The Rapture had come, and all of hell came with it.

"But that's no excuse to skip work, so I expect to see you all on Monday"

That was the last line of the email I received from my boss on Rapture weekend. While I watched TV, seeing my hometown three time-zones away being swallowed whole by the Earth, I was making plans for the weekly commute. I could take the subway, but it was overrun with tiny ghouls that crawl into your mouth and make your head explode. Which admittedly is only slightly worse than the subway was normally, so that was a maybe. I could take the interstate, but I couldn't use the carpool lane since the co-worker I normally ride with had the side of a building fall on him. Lucky guy. Oh well, I figured I'd find a way

I chose to walk the 11 miles to the office. The blood rain was heavier than forecast, but luckily I always carry an umbrella. It was a heck of a commute, my shoes catching fire was an especially annoying development, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to live in hell-on-Earth AND be unemployed.

Once I got to the office roughly half of the people who worked there were absent. Most of the missing had been killed, one was raptured, and a few others just had some vacations days left. When the people who came in were all settled our boss, Bert Hodgeson III walked in with a huge smile on his face.

“Think those sons of bitches at Kiel Brothers Inc. are working today?” he bellowed. “I think not! They’re probably doing stupid stuff like ‘Hiding from evil’ or ‘protecting their families’…” He added the quote marks with his fingers for emphasis. “…while we’re in here getting the jump on everyone! Can’t you smell the money just rolling in?!”

“That’s Richard’s hand, it caught fire on the way in” I said about my coworker who shared the cubicle next to me.

“Regardless” the boss said while giving me a cross look “I’m glad you could all make it in today. And I’ll tell you what, lunch is on me! Limit $5 each”

Work seemed to fly by, mainly because of all the times I passed out from all the smoke coming in from outside. So it was time to go home. I caught a ride with a woman from accounting, who just happened to have an armored A-Team style van at the ready. No one said survivalists were stupid.

When I got home all I wanted to do was relax, first thing I needed to do was turn on the AC. It was 175 degrees so it was about time. Next, time to sit and watch some TV. Unfortunately, the forces of evil had taken control of every channel so all that was showing was old episodes of “The Duck Factory”.

Sleep came easily, turns out wailing and gnashing of teeth makes for surprisingly great white noise. So at least one good thing will come out of this. And hey, it’s only another 7 years. Or 1000, but who’s really counting?

A Clinton of Coverage

A few of my facebook friends (Bernie Sanders fans mostly) have posted this cartoon.....

 

..... and I feel compelled to talk about it a little bit.

First let me say, I don't have any particular problem with Bernie Sanders, I just don't think he's going to win. If he does I'll vote for him, but almost every poll outside of NH has him losing by A LOT. Breathe deep and accept that he's somehow become the Democratic Ron Paul. Rabid internet-based fans who don't add up to much come votin' time.

As for Hillary, she's not particularly exciting or inspiring as a candidate. But if it comes down to Hillary or Donald Trump (or Ted Cruz, or Marco Rubio, or....)  I'll paint that dumb H-with-an-arrow-logo on my chest and run naked through a bus station if I have to. Hell could you imagine Trump choosing a Supreme Court Justice? The least bad option would be Gary Busey.

Anyway on to the point of this, which is this terrible cartoon. First is the implication that the media is propping up Hillary. THE MEDIA HATES AND HAS ALWAYS HATED HILLARY!! You may as well say that Wile E Coyote is helping the Road Runner.

Remember the last democratic primary she was in? The media was so against her SNL even did a sketch about it

Remember this? Or the transcript at least

Honestly I think the media "bias" had less to do with the media loving Obama so much as it was them not liking Hillary

Then there's this (relatively) recent article from 538, showing that out of 46 days in which Hillary stories made news 4 of them were positive. Maybe she deserved the bad press, but the media hardly shielded her from it. Admittedly the article's from a few months ago, but I don't think much has changed since.

But the real thing that makes me nuts about the cartoon is the fucking dumb dramatics. The media is propping her up on the dead bodies and skulls of her various scandals. Let's take a look at some of these horrific acts.

"Hmmm" the cartoonist said to himself, "What atrocities has Mssss. Hillary committed? Let me think. Oh man, there's the email scandal where she may have sent top secret emails on a private server. What should I put next to that?  I have it! A skull! Because that's not too over the top! Let me throw in a Vince Foster reference too cuz people still remember that, right?"

I mean, if these are really among the WORST scandals Hillary has is she that bad? Hell Bill himself could trump those just by using examples from when he was a governor. Also, are we somehow pretending the media has never mentioned any of these? Especially the email and Benghazi stuff? Please

So if we've learned anything today it's that a) I have too much time to waste, b) I have an irrational hatred for dumb political cartoons, and c) Hillary gets bad press all the time, and d) Bernie's going to lose, but it won't be the media's fault.

Should Have Tried Golf

Billy Rebane was pumped, it was his first wrestling tournament and the 11 year old was raring to go. "Okay coach, I'm ready! Who's the first kid I'm fighting?"
 

"These aren't fights they're matches, I keep telling you that." His coach responded as he looked at his sheet, "And you'll be fighting, let's see….. Tommy Murphy"
 

"I'm gonna kill him coach!" Billy exclaimed as he jumped around with excitement he could barely contain. "Where is he!?"
 

"I'm not sure...oh wait there he comes" coach said as Tommy Murphy walked out. On his hands. Because of a birth defect Tommy was born without legs. As Tommy ambled out a TV crew came out behind him. They were doing a story about the inspirational kid who was wrestling with no legs.
 

"Uh coach, what's going on? Am I really wrestling him?" Billy said, his excitement levels not nearly as high as they had been 5 minutes earlier.
 

"Yeah I'm afraid so Bill"
 

"But, I don't want to wrestle him, I could hurt him really badly."
 

"Hey, he knows what he's getting into. He's sick of people treating him differently, sick of people handing him things just because of his disability. He signed up for a wrestling match and you're going to give him one!"
 

"Yeah!" said Billy as the excitement came back and then quickly went away as he said "But if I lose to a kid with no legs I'm gonna look stupid"
 

"No, no, not at all." The coach said as he thought for a second "okay maybe a little bit"
 

"Thanks coach" Billy said sarcastically
 

"Hey you think this is bad, your next match is against his legs" the stone-faced coach said as he looked at Billy who was staring back with his jaw dropped
 

"I'm...kidding. Just trying to take the edge off. Okay you're starting, get over to the mat" the coach said as he pushed Billy toward the aforementioned mat.

As Billy waited for the match to start the news reporter set up right behind him. As the cameraman began to roll the reporter started his spiel 
 

"We're here today at Freddie Washington Middle School to witness a truly inspirational story. Tommy Murphy, a boy born without legs, is here to participate in his first wrestling tournament. Today Tommy is the only thing that matters, everything else is meaningless next to his determination and grit" 
 

As the reporter continued Billy contemplated faking diarrhea in order to avoid this situation. But the boy he normally bought fake diarrhea from was nowhere in sight. He had no choice but to continue on with the match
 

The referee brought the two boys in and Billy towered over Tommy, but only in height. Anyone looking could see that Tommy had the look of a killer in his eye while Billy looked like he'd rather be assembling cellphones in a sweatshop. The referee told both boys the rules and ordered the match to begin.
 

As the match began Billy's father could be heard yelling "Alright Billy! Easy win!"
 

The match was a struggle for Billy. Tommy's body was unexpectedly ideal for wrestling because of his low center of gravity. "What are you doing Billy?!" his dad shouted from the otherwise completely silent bleachers as the match commenced. "You should have no trouble with Shoeless Joe there! I brought my entire office here to watch you wrestle! I told them if you lose I'd give them all raises! I can't afford raises Billy! If you lose there won't be a Christmas!"
 

"Dave quit yelling!" Billy’s mother yelled just as loudly as her husband for the entire crowd to hear. "Just because your son might lose in this horribly embarrassing way doesn't mean he's any less your son! You always embarrass him! Like the time you laughed at him when he peed his pants in church!"
 

"Oh shut up!" Billy's father shouted back, the match continuing in the foreground. "I never should have married you!"
 

"Oh really?!" Billy's mother shouted back "Well why don't we just get a divorce!?"
 

"Okay! What a great idea!" Billy's father turned his attention to the court and yelled out "You hear that Bill?! If you lose, your mother and I are going to get a divorce! So now I don't really care if you lose!"
 

Billy was beginning to wonder if he'd made God mad because he was starting to like girls. He'd figure that all out later though, right now he was losing a wrestling match. Tommy had pulled way ahead on points, and it looked bleak for Billy. That is until from out nowhere Billy was able to pin Tommy's shoulders to the mat automatically winning the match.
 

A disappointed murmur came from the crowd, and there was even a slight booing sound. Mom and dad were delighted however and quickly turned their hostility on the crowd
 

"Haha! Eat it everyone! Our son is the best!" Dad yelled
 

"I'm so proud of you son!" his mother yelled. She turned her attention to her husband as she continued to yell "And you! Let's never fight again!"
 

"I know! What were we thinking!? Let's make another son!"
 

"Let's do it right here!" mom yelled as they started making out passionately on the bleachers until a security guard came and told them to stop
 

"Hey man, good match" Tommy said as he extended his hand to congratulate Billy.
 

"Thanks, I can't believe I beat you. You were really good"
 

"I'm not going to lie, I kind of let up at the end. I just felt really bad for you. Like I thought to myself, 'Wow, this kid has it rough'" and with that Tommy "walked" away. Billy's coach came over to talk to the victor
 

"Great job kid!" he said
 

"Thanks coach" Billy said with a blank look on his face "I don't know if I like wrestling though"
 

"That's fine, you just have to finish the 10 matches you have left today.”