Huge cracks
in the Earth opened up, billowing fire. Demons rose from those cracks devouring
any people they could get their claws on. The good and righteous disappeared
completely, taken up into heaven. So like…. 50 people world-wide disappeared.
The Rapture had come, and all of hell came with it.
"But
that's no excuse to skip work, so I expect to see you all on Monday"
That was the
last line of the email I received from my boss on Rapture weekend. While I
watched TV, seeing my hometown three time-zones away being swallowed whole by
the Earth, I was making plans for the weekly commute. I could take the subway,
but it was overrun with tiny ghouls that crawl into your mouth and make your
head explode. Which admittedly is only slightly worse than the subway was
normally, so that was a maybe. I could take the interstate, but I couldn't use
the carpool lane since the co-worker I normally ride with had the side of a
building fall on him. Lucky guy. Oh well, I figured I'd find a way
I chose to
walk the 11 miles to the office. The blood rain was heavier than forecast, but
luckily I always carry an umbrella. It was a heck of a commute, my shoes
catching fire was an especially annoying development, but I’ll be damned if I’m
going to live in hell-on-Earth AND be unemployed.
Once I got
to the office roughly half of the people who worked there were absent. Most of
the missing had been killed, one was raptured, and a few others just had some
vacations days left. When the people who came in were all settled our boss,
Bert Hodgeson III walked in with a huge smile on his face.
“Think those
sons of bitches at Kiel Brothers Inc. are working today?” he bellowed. “I think
not! They’re probably doing stupid stuff like ‘Hiding from evil’ or ‘protecting
their families’…” He added the quote marks with his fingers for emphasis. “…while
we’re in here getting the jump on everyone! Can’t you smell the money just
rolling in?!”
“That’s
Richard’s hand, it caught fire on the way in” I said about my coworker who
shared the cubicle next to me.
“Regardless”
the boss said while giving me a cross look “I’m glad you could all make it in
today. And I’ll tell you what, lunch is on me! Limit $5 each”
Work seemed
to fly by, mainly because of all the times I passed out from all the smoke
coming in from outside. So it was time to go home. I caught a ride with a woman
from accounting, who just happened to have an armored A-Team style van at the
ready. No one said survivalists were stupid.
When I got
home all I wanted to do was relax, first thing I needed to do was turn on the
AC. It was 175 degrees so it was about time. Next, time to sit and watch some
TV. Unfortunately, the forces of evil had taken control of every channel so all
that was showing was old episodes of “The Duck Factory”.
Sleep came easily,
turns out wailing and gnashing of teeth makes for surprisingly great white
noise. So at least one good thing will come out of this. And hey, it’s only
another 7 years. Or 1000, but who’s really counting?
